Understandably, you're probably busy getting out your best duds for Friday night's Holiday Event of the Year, wherein the former sociopath with virtually no redeeming human qualities who's still calling himself "the president" is holding a Naples Winter Christmas celebration. "With sunshine over your read, and presents under the tree, this event will give you a lifetime of festive memories!" the invite says of a not-to-be-missed gathering starting at "7 o'clock in the evening," which sounds way fancier than "p.m." Tweeting the day before, former Barbie-as-Press-Secretary Kayleigh McEnamy exuberantly hailed the "Evening of Merrymaking" - "You misspelled 'moneymaking,'" noted one reader - with "the greatest president in our time" - nope and nope - complete with "festive cocktails & dinner" - Diet Coke and Big Macs, presumably - followed by up to 90 photos with Trump at the deal-of-a-lifetime price of "one (1) photo" for $10,000. A couple costs $20,000; a family of four, $30,000. "Tickets are extremely limited," McEnamy warned, which is why she was hawking them the day before. Most thrillingly, the event will feature 100 Christmas trees reprising the "edgy aesthetic" of the "Who-Gives-A-Fuck-About-the-Christmas-Stuff?" First Lady, though it's unclear if that means 2017's blood-red, Voldemort-at-the-car-wash Murder Trees with "Be Best" pencils, or 2018's spectral, Hell-on-Earth spikes, or some other dystopian masterwork about which she graciously declared, "I'm working my ass off."
Surprisingly, for a statesman renowned for his gravitas and candor, much else about "Florida's greatest Christmas party" remains unclear. For starters, why does the event's website fail to mention it's being held at an airplane hangar in Naples, which might make the "sunshine over your head" thing a bit sticky? Also, who/what else might appear? An organizer "scoffed" at rumors of an ice rink, Russian ballerinas or Clydesdale horses, but confirmed there will be snow; others wondered if Melania, Stormy, Proud Boys, any of the 26 women who've accused Trump of sexual assault or any prosecutors from the New York D.A.'s office will show to "see the Grinch up close and personal." Oddly, the invite also fails to state who'll benefit from the evening, which isn't billed as a fundraiser but was organized by a fundraiser for "non-profit" charities that focuses on "maximizing growth." "Trump does get a piece of the pie," said one organizer, "but the lion's share will go to charity." (Melania: "Give me a fucking break.") And there will, of course, be free COVID for all in light of the surreal revelation Trump last year hid a positive COVID test, spending a reckless, brazen, homicidal week attending a rally, holding a superspreading event for Amy 'Forced Pregnancy' Barrett, meeting with Gold Star families, and spittily screaming at Biden in their debate before finally admitting he was sick. The final questions for the host of the fucking Holiday Event of the Year: How many people did he infect and kill, and why are these ghouls still defiling God's green earth?
