Hell of a grim way to start off a shiny new week, we know, but we regret to inform you that a bewilderingly sizeable segment of our country has mutated into a horde of racist, crackpot, paranoid, Covid-denying, demon-obsessed, anti-trans-and-illuminati-and-quantum-physics "Army of God" warriors who, citing numerological prophesies and extremely select Scriptures, vow "the Angel of Death" will soon smite down their Satanic enemies - Hillary, Soros, Stacey Abrams, John Roberts (?) and other elites sex-trafficking children - in order to bestow upon us their devoutly-to-be-wished Christian nationalism, political executions, and God's "rightful president," with cow bells. Whew. Even as that malignant clown of a "president" is still free, ranting, and "an unparalleled danger...drowning in himself," his deranged followers are flocking to the barn-storming, soul-saving, traveling roadshow of God, hate and crazy that is Michael Flynn's national ReAwaken America Tour, which made its 25th stop this weekend in Manheim, Pennsylvania at - wait for it - the Spooky Nook. Co-hosted by right-wing radio host Clay Clark, the event marked the latest step in Flynn's ongoing, hallucinatory "Holy War" wherein good battles evil to restore an America that prays in school, has only two genders and one religion, doesn't wear masks or teach the icky parts of history, and boasts smiling (white) wives greeting their (ditto) husbands each night with meat loaf.
The two-day event didn't fill the Spooky Nook - capacity 3,000 - but was crowded enough with older white people sporting "Trump Forever" hats, "All Rifles Matter" t-shirts, and Jesus-loves-QAnon hysteria to give one pause about the state of the nation. From the red, white and blue microphone to the "COVID-19 and the Globalist Predators: We Are the Prey" book handed out on arrival, the event's agenda was clear. Insane, but clear. It was confirmed by many stalls hawking God, country and no vaccines. There were "anointing oils," "Constitution cards," Christian weight-lifting supplements, blankets to block 5G wireless signals, portraits of Jesus hugging an American flag, natural substances to keep us healthy for the coming war, booths displaying charts of fictional COVID vs. hospital/vaccine deaths, a "Save The Kids" shirt mapping out the tunnels across the country where liberal Jewish Hollywood Illuminati are harvesting adrenochrome from the blood of children they have sex-trafficked to make them immortal - another whew - and, at the end of the day, full immersion baptisms. Things kicked off with a suitably vindictive prayer asking that Trump's eyes be opened so he knows when to "implement divine intervention" to destroy enemies accusing him of crimes. Also, "You will surround him, Father, with none of this deep-state trash, none of this RINO trash," which prompted yelled Amens and fervent hands thrust into the ugly air 'cause, c'mon, vengeance is mine saith the Lord.
Speakers included many of the usual frothing right-wing cabal: Roger Stone, Mike the Pillow Guy, demon sperm lady Dr. Stella Immanuel: "We need to pray and crush the demonic satellites"; Doug Mastriano was listed but didn't show - too bonkers even for him? Still, there was plenty of grievance to go around. Gender dysphoria is "the work of Satan," COVID vaccines cause brain damage, there's too many homeless people and Muslim babies. Pillow Guy whined about voting machines and the media. Eric Trump called his dad, who bewailed that "this country has never been in such bad shape as it is now" and promised, "We'll be back doing things that..." Stone, fresh from unearthed video calling Ivanka an "abortionist bitch daughter," decried all the "harassment" against him when he's only "guilty of the crime of supporting President Donald Trump (sic), loving him for 40 years." "We are in an epic struggle in this election," he declaimed. "If we fail, this nation will step off into a thousand years of darkness." Well, that could be true. Crowd fave Clay Clark charged Michelle Obama is a man, McDonald's is part of the deep state's "war on food" - that's kinda true too - and Socialists want to start feeding "insect burgers" to the masses. Like others, he also boasted he's now owning the "Christian Nationalist" moniker because "I would rather be labeled a Christian Nationalist than a godless globalist," even though real Christians denounce his beliefs as "toxic," "divisive," "contrary to the values of the Gospel," and "kissing cousins with White nationalism."
The crowd's "Christian" zealotry was, in fact, their most frenetic, jarring thread. Never mind Jesus' call for love, tolerance, forgiveness; deeply bellicose, they just want to "put on the armor of God" and call up the Angel of Death. Anti-vaxxer Sherri Tenpenny allowed as how people who gullibly got a vaccine could "repent and go sin no more," but then they better grab their armor pronto. "Christian prophet" Julie Green got more specific: She presented a massive banner of two dozen sinners - Biden, Trudeau, Rachel Maddow, yada yada - under the declaration, "An Angel of Death Is Coming for Them By Year's End"; below, it vowed, "TREASON will be written on them for all eternity." No forgiveness here, God told her: "My army is coming." God also told her, "You can't stop my son, who is the rightful president (cue wild applause, cowbells, co-opted shofars). He is on his way back...and I am with him." Bo Poiny, an "analyst" in crypto-currency who cites Biblical timelines, also bade the Angel of Death take on God's hit list; afterwards, because "God's kingdom comes in abundance," everyone's debts will be canceled, though that makes God sound a lot like the Dems, which is weird. Rounding out the lunacy was book-burning, Covid-denying "pastor" Greg Locke, who called the Pope "a pimp" in a very Catholic state and maniacally galloped around the stage. "JESUS IS COMING! JESUS IS COMING! JESUS IS COMING!" he shrieked. "God. Is. Not. Done. With. This. Nation." Well, damn. Then She better hustle and get on with it.
