Be Better, Please: Melania Hawks "Book" and "Who Gives A Fuck" Christmas Ornaments

After a long hiatus from public life, "priceless, timeless asset" and venal, vapid, gold-digging, rent-a-wife clothes horse Melania Trump has emerged to collect six-figure pay checks for briefly speaking to fellow-fascists, sell improbable "Merry Christmas, AMERICA!” trinkets, hawk a memoir - "My story. My perspective. The truth" - and appear in a "thankfully rare interview" to blame everyone else for our "toxic atmosphere." America was unmoved: "It speaks, but makes no sense. We really don't care, do U?"

In stark, dark contrast to the Harris/Walz vision of "a nation that trusts women," the women of MAGA offer no reason whatsoever to trust any of them. Cue Kellyanne Conway, still emitting "alternative facts"; Islamophobe, "white nationalist free spirit" and Trump "emotional-support Nazi" Laura Loomer, who's so vilely charged Kamala Harris with blow-jobbing her way to the top and warning her White House will "smell like curry" she's led even Klan Mom MTG to denounce her as "appalling and extremely racist"; and witless nepo baby and wannabe singer Lara Trump, who just released "some tone deaf shit that made my dogs howl" about firefighting heroes so bad it was deemed "like someone standing on a cat." "Every note is a violation of the Geneva Convention," said one reviewer. From another, "When the Trump family is sentenced, this should add a few months."

Then, of course, there's plastic mannequin Melania, or "Malaria," widely deemed "the most disconnected, indifferent facade of a First Lady in US history," as racist, narcissistic and malignant as her husband, with whom she's "forever soiled the office of the presidency"; her added offense is being an immigrant underwear model who corruptly won an Einstein Visa, got a sugar-daddy, had an anchor baby, and used the rest of her privileged life attacking immigrants. The consensus: "Trash is still trash, even when carrying a Hermes handbag." Mostly missing on the campaign trail, in recent months she briefly appeared at the RNC and held two "speaking engagements" at fundraisers for Log Cabin Republicans for which she was paid, possibly illegally, about $250,000 each, following the generally held tradition of any Trump grifter that, "Whenever she speaks publicly, money changes hands."

Now, the Blair Witch woman who gave us spooky, blood-red The Shining White House decorations and famously carped, "I'm working my ass off at Christmas stuff - who gives a fuck about Christmas decorations, but I have to do it, right?" has unveiled, for "all of my passionate collectors," a new “Merry Christmas, AMERICA!” collection featuring four, tacky, brass and enamel Christmas tree decorations - $75 to $90 a pop - most of which are retreads of earlier artless gimcracks like her $245 Mother's Day “Love & Gratitude” necklace. Deemed in one review "the coldest, oddest ornaments anyone's ever seen," they manage to blend jingoism - one is called "Vote Liberty" - with the brutalist look of Nazi memorabilia. Ranking high on the grift-o-meter, each comes with her signature and a digital collectible. "Each unique piece captures the magic of the season," she boasts. "Happy collecting!"

Mostly, she's focused on promoting her memoir Melania, a "powerful and inspiring story of a woman who has carved her own path, overcome adversity and defined personal excellence.” Featuring "48 pages of never-before-seen photographs” - though oddly with no photo on a cover "strikingly similar" to an earlier book, but no plagiarism here - she vows to "clarify the facts" and "share my journey with you." Skeptics wonder if she'll produce "a riveting tale of growing up as a young black woman on the south side of Chicago," or of "how one day her husband was white and then turned orange," or how she kept the Obama birther rumors going. The book, $40 to $250 versions, will be released Oct. 1 by low-budget, right-wing Skyhorse Publishing, whose mission is to "work hard, move fast, have fun, make money and change lives for the better" with books by Roger Stone, Alex Jones, RFK Jr. and other luminaries.

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The promotion consists of a series of 30-second, soft-focus, weirdly opaque videos whose purpose is often unclear. Evidently made "with iMovie and a prayer" and resembling a high-school graduation slideshow overlaid with melodramatic elevator musak, they feature a wooden, make-up-slathered Melania offering banal insights - "Our lives are shaped by our experiences, challenges, and achievements" - interspersed with carefully choreographed glamor shots. She opines on the July 13 shooting: "The attempt to end my husband's life was a horrible, distressing (though it sounds like 'distracting') experience," she says before moving into Conspiracy Queen territory. "Now, the silence around it feels heavy. I can't help but wonder, why didn't law enforcement arrest the shooter before the speech? There is definitely more to this story - cue frenzied violins - and we need to uncover dee truuth."

Another video unrolls with the text of the 4th Amendment - "The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures shall not be violated" - before she appears, ghost-like, to blast the raid on Mar-A-Lago: “I never imagined my privacy would be invaded by the government here in America. The FBI raided my home in Florida and searched through my personal belongings." She argues the raid "serves as a warning to all Americans" - or at least any who steal boxes of classified documents - "and a reminder that our freedom and rights must be respected." Flag waves, music swells. There's a pink, twinkly one about motherhood - the lessons she's learned "are profound" - and a sober one about the 2020 election: "It changed out lives forever. It impacted our quality of life, cost of food, gasoline, safety, and even the geopolitical landscape."

And there's a weird one about her nude photo shoots, featuring, instead, famous works of art; they include Lady Godiva, whose husband refused to lower excessive taxes on his people unless she rode naked through town. "Why do I stand proudly behind my nude modeling work?” she asks. "The more pressing question is, why has the media chosen to scrutinize my celebration of the human forrrmm in a fashion photo shoot?...Through history, master artists have revered the human shape, using art as a powerful means of self expression." Maybe tell the family-values party policing books, child-bearing, women's bodies? The Borowitz Report: notes she's just "deeply embarrassed" about her marriage: "I ask the American people to focus on my nude modeling and try to forget about the other thing. You do things for money when you're young that you regret for the rest of your life."

Thursday's promo finale was a cotton-ball-soft "interview" with Fox' Ainsley Earhardt. What did she want people to know about Trump? The guy with 5 children by 3 women who cheated on his first wife with his eventual second wife, cheated on his third wife with a porn star and sexually assaulted over two dozen women is "really a family man." Viewers complained of "eye roll cramps" but noted it could be true "in the sense he likes making multiple families." How did it feel being First Lady? "You know you have extra, extra responsibility." How was it to see the shootings (both on TV from another city, what a love story): "When I saw it, I, you know, it was only nobody really knew yet...I think both events, they were really miracles...I think something was watching over him. It's almost like the country really needs him.” Online suggestions: Something = Satan. And we need him to go away.

Infuriatingly, disingenuously, she blamed everyone else for our "toxic atmosphere." "Is it really shocking all this outrageous violence goes against my husband?” she asked of the guy who calls migrants "vermin" and political adversaries "the enemy from within," who wants to jail enemies, shoot protesters, ban Muslims, deport migrants, hang uncooperative minions, and shred democracy. People were incensed: "Slovenianhooahsezwhat? Another day, another GOP porn story. Eva Braun used the same argument. I had forgotten she existed - I liked it better that way. No shame. If TFG is going to deport all immigrants, including those with legal status, can we start with this empty sack of clothing?" And, repeatedly, ""I Don't Care, Do U?" One more time, when people show you who they are, believe them: "Dear loathsome Melania, Be best. Or for fuck's sake, a little better. Signed, America."