Cosmic Jokesters Buy Cesspool of Hatemongering Psycopath Who Is Not Taking It Well

Oh sweet justice. We salute the supremely ironic sale of Alex Jones' vicious Infowars - now bankrupt thanks to the $1.4 billion he owes Sandy Hook families for claiming the massacre of their children was a hoax - to the satirical wise-acres of The Onion, working with those families. Aptly,The Onion's most iconic headline is on gun violence - "'No Way To Prevent This’, Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens"; it has run 37 times. They call their new buy "probably one of the better jokes we’ve ever told."

Surely there could be no riper moment for such schadenfreude than in these surreal times, when a sexual-assaulting Fox host may be running the Defense Department, a child-trafficking clown could be A.G., a road-kill-eating anti-vaxer might be making our health decisions, and the timeless question will resonate ever more deeply: Is this (mostly terrifying, occasionally uproarious) story real, or from The Onion? Of course the loopy meltdowns and fever dreams and new world order conspiracies of Jones' venomous show always seemed too weird to be real. Fake moon landing! Machete race war! Sex with goblins! Illuminati linked to Hillary and Lady Gaga! Often sobbing, he ripped off his shirt - Watch this! - screamed 1776 WILL COMMENCE AGAIN IF YOU TRY TO TAKE OUR FIREARMS, ranted the lining in juice boxes was making our children gay and the Pentagon-tested gay bomb on Eye-raq and our troops was doing it to adults and PUTTING CHEMICALS IN THE WATER TURNS THE FRIGGIN' FROGS GAY. "I'M SICK OF BEING SOCIAL ENGINEERED!" he shrieked. "ITS NOT FUNNY." No, it's not.

It was also not funny when he claimed America's bloody, ceaseless shootings - Gabbie Giffords, Boston Marathon et a l- were staged propaganda using "crisis actors" in order to wrest Americans' guns from their cold dead hands. Most grotesquely, he repeatedly claimed 2012's grisly murder of 20 first-graders, along with six educators, at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Conn., was a hoax, as were all those small bodies mutilated beyond recognition and the grieving, ravaged families who had to endure them. Faced with those impossible losses as well as Jones' lies and threats from his followers, the Sandy Hook families sued him, for years keeping up a legal fight for "true accountability," aka "an end to Infowars and an end to Jones' ability to spread lies, pain and fear." Under relentless pressure - and after eventually acknowledging the shooting was real - he offered them more and more money if they'd let him stay on the air spewing vitriol; they rejected each offer because not doing so "would have put other families in harm’s way."

This fall, after the families won a $1.4 billion defamation judgment against Jones' "willful and malicious" actions, a U.S. bankruptcy judge finally ordered Infowars and its assets be sold off at auction, from its Austin studio, equipment, trademarks, video archive to its snake-oil nutritional supplement store. Last week, The Onion announced its parent company Global Tetrahedron was the winning bidder; they plan to relaunch a parody version of the site in January, thus seizing a fetid platform for hateful, right-wing skulduggery and turning it into its own mordant, smart-mouthed, big-hearted soapbox. In an "especially sweet bit of justice," they worked with Sandy Hook's non-profit Everytown for Gun Safety, which will contribute gun violence prevention stories to the site. "We thought it would be hilarious if we bought this thing," they said of a choice to leave Jones "unpunished for what he's done to these families, or we could make a dumb, stupid website, and we decided to do the second thing. We hope (the) families will be able to marvel at the cosmic joke we'll soon make of InfoWars."

It's a sublimely bonkers pairing for "America’s Finest News Source," which boasts of "rising from its humble beginnings in 1756" to grow into "the single most powerful organization in human history," with "a daily readership of 4.3 trillion people" supporting "over 350,000 journalism jobs in its news bureaus and labor camps around the world." Its headlines, often witlessly taken at face value, are its macabre crown jewels: "Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex," "Trump Boys Have Slap Fight Over Who Gets To Run Foreign Policy Meetings," "RFK Jr. Vows To Ban Soaps That Smell So Good You Eat A Little," followed by "RFK Jr. Performs "Self-Surgery To Extract Big Mac," which he ate on Trump's plane. They also offered civic lessons for Democrats from the last sorry election: "Lock in John Legend’s endorsement earlier," "Try to not already hold the presidency when a thing happens that voters dislike, "Appeal to other demographics beyond the Cheney family," "One more fundraising text would’ve done the job," and the reminder, "The soul of America is a black expanse."

They offer books - "Our Dumb Country" - and many videos: "Expert Explains Why Essentially You're Fucked," "U.S. Deploys Socially Awkward Men Along Border to Deter Migrants," "Neo-Nazi Pulls Off Surprise Victory In Longheld KKK District," "Conservative Man Proudly Frightened of Everything," from cartoons to Chinese babies to big coastal cities to languages that aren't English." There's even a horoscope - for Scorpios, "Stop avoiding conflict just because you're afraid of killing again" - and FAQs. "How can I bring The Onion to my event? The writers and editors are available for speaking engagements at universities, conferences and meet-ups for disgraced veterinarians." "What if I want to sue The Onion? Please do not do that." "Where can I find The Onion? The Onionis all around you." Given the nation's bloody history - at least 125 people a day killed by guns, twice as many wounded - their famous "No Way To Prevent This" headline was published "entirely too often," including the day after the Uvalde shooting, when its entire front page was plastered with reprints of 21 earlier iterations.

The gun-obsessed Jones was a frequent target. For the resolute, grieving families of Sandy Hook, his downfall is "the justice we have long awaited and fought for," said Robbie Parker, whose daughter Emilie was killed in the 2012 shooting. The families' attorney Chris Mattei called them "heroes" intent on bringing down Jones, "the perpetrator of the worst defamation in American history." John Feinblatt, the president of Everytown, praised their new partnership, including a multi-year advertising agreement. "It made all the sense in the world," he said, citing their access to gun violence research and data. He also nailed "really the bottom line here, and that is poetic justice." Having resumed his rabid show from a new studio and on X, Jones has reacted as gracefully as you'd expect, raging the sale is "a total attack on free speech," the auction was "rigged" with "money that isn't real," he's working with "good guy bidders" to keep him on the air, and with the inexplicable arrival of Elon Musk on the scene, "If you want a fight, you got one. "Trump is pissed," he snarled. "The cavalry is here."

Thursday, in a new legal wrangle, federal bankruptcy judge Christopher Lopez ordered a hearing to review the sale after a lawyer for the only other bidder alleged "fraud and impermissible collusion" in the auction. The bidder, First United American Companies, runs Jones' snake-oil business; their lawyer said their bid was higher, and auction trustee Christopher Murray violated earlier court-ordered rules by skipping an optional final round of bids. Calling the allegations "baseless" and "bullying from a disappointed bidder," he acknowledged their bid was higher: $3.5 million to The Onion's $1.75 million. But The Onion offered incentives by Sandy Hook families to forego up to 100% of the proceeds, enabling other Jones creditors to recover far more than under First United’s larger, but smaller-minded bid. "The sale is currently underway, pending standard processes," insisted Onion CEO Ben Collins, who used to write for NBC about paranoid quacks like Jones. "The idea he was just going to walk away (without) doing this sort of thing is funny in itself." Along with cash, he added, "We also accept Bitcoin."

In a Monday "editorial" about buying Infowars, Global Tetrahedron's "CEO" Bryce P. Tetraeder celebrated their "new addition" to the Global "family" whose members, like all families, are "abstract nodes (of) interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market." Buying Infowars was "an easy decision," he said, with its "true unicorn" mix of "delusional paranoia and dubious anti-aging nutrition hacks (to) make life both scarier and longer," and "a well-deserved victory for multinational elites." On Bluesky, Collins noted real media had requested interviews with "Tetraeder," who alas was "on his superyacht (to) do a quality control check at one of our 43,000 global puppy mills.” But The Onion is still churning out news. On Tuesday, it reported, "Trump Locks Bathroom Door So Elon Musk Can't Follow Him In" after "an audibly frustrated Trump" earlier stood up from the toilet to throw Musk out. "Bad Elon," he said. "Now, go to your kennel and lie down." Later, Trump reportedly sent Musk "to be neutered after he got out of his crate and impregnated dozens of female aides."