Gulf Of Willful Ignorance

Because our current regime remains laser-focused on the vital issues of these dark and baleful times, the House just had a hearing on a bill by inimitable Klan Mom MTG to retool the Gulf of Mexico into a glorious new Gulf of America. Irked Democrats took to trolling with some creative alternative names, but MapQuest and the Internet are way ahead of them. Like, Gulf of Covfefe, Gulf of Putin's Bitch, Gulf of Wu-Tang, Gulf of End Times ahead of them.

On Day One of his new presidency and revenge tour, the orange guy revealed his Very Serious Priorities by signing a Very Serious executive order to rename the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America, because. Despite MAGA's lackadaisical approach to properly using other names - COVID, Native, undocumented, preferred pronouns - they were so pissed when the AP wire service, read by over 4 billion people in 100 countries, declined to update its widely used Stylebook with the new name that the regime banned its journalists from White House briefings. This week, a Trump-appointed judge effectively overturned the ban, ruling officials must restore press access "untainted by an impermissible viewpoint-based exclusion" to the AP - see First Amendment - noting, "If there is a benign explanation for the government's (ban), it has not been presented here." But the injunction is preliminary, and Trump is so obsessed he's already said he'll appeal the decision.

Meanwhile, Equally Serious MAGA Rep. Marjorie Tacky Greene, who's griped about other countries and even uppity Americans refusing to use the shiny, pointless, jingoistic new name, wrote a shiny, pointless, jingoistic new bill to show them all. The Gulf of America Act swaps out names and "directs federal agencies to update their documents and maps to incorporate the new name." Wednesday, the House Natural Resources Committee held a hearing for majority House Republicans to ratify it. But Dems, irked by the calamitous state of the union and the resulting, inane things they've had to spend their time on, weren't that into it. Instead, they forced votes on multiple amendments by launching a barrage of new names: Gulf of Ignorance, Gulf of Helene, Gulf of American Should Rejoin The Paris Accord. Rep. Jared Huffman went further - "Let's skate to where the puck is going" - by seeking to rename the whole damn planet "Donald Trump." His move failed; MTG's bill passed, 24-17.

Still, resistance has lingered. As companies, colleges, fat cats and yes Dems bend to kiss the ring and obey in advance, MapQuest has stood firm. "MapQuest is NOT renaming the Gulf of Mexico," they posted. "Our maps are like Grandma's Thanksgiving recipes - once they're printed, they're not changing." Then they did one better. "Because you TOTALLY asked for this, and MapQuest has NOTHING better to do, we've granted you exclusive access to a place very dear to our heart," they wrote. Then they set up a site, gulfof.mapquest.com, to change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to whatever you want, and told people to go for it: "Name your own gulf: Gulf of anything." And, gleefully, exuberantly, people did. They created the Gulf of Chevron, BP, Exxon Mobil and Shell. The Gulf of Fragile Masculinity. The Gulf of Antifa, Gulf of Lower Canada, Gulf of Fucktrump, Gulf of Where America's Dignity Died, Gulf of Hamberders, "but I prefer cheeseberders."

Some get furiously wordy: The Gulf of LimpDick Wannabe Alpha-Males Who Need Viagra to Overcome Their Adderall Addictions and the Gulf of a string of insults that move from inbred and heartless to snake-licking, four-flushing, worm-headed. Some are succinct: Gulf of Despair, Gulf of Dumbfuckistan, Gulf of Gulf, Gulf of Cuba: "Let's give it to the other guy." Many are brilliant: Gulf of Four Seasons Total Landscaping, Gulf of America Is Fucked, Gulf of the Dude Abides, Gulf of the Dread Is No Longer Existential, Gulf of Infrastructure Week Again, Gulf of Most of Us Didn't Vote For Him, Gulf of Eggs Which Broke Democracy, Gulf of I Could Do This All Day. Also, raging: Gulf of Very Insecure Tiny-Handed Fascists, Gulf of Incalculable Horrors, Gulf of Vacuum Between Trump's Ears, Gulf of Dumbest Timelines.

Still, the dumb timelines, and ensuing damage, go on. DOGE just fired about 30 workers from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration; many were working on eight investigations into the dangers of Tesla's self-driving software after multiple high-profile crashes. In New Jersey, MAGA camera-ready, fascist law enforcement say they'll go after "anybody who gets in our way," including the governor, if they oppose ICE thugs disappearing their residents. And after weeks-long legal chaos, up to 800 climate workers at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) just got re-fired in what one called "a wild and silly process." Also perilous: With "fewer eyes on the storm," their exit means the loss of "not just the world-class work they do day-to-day, but also decades of expertise and institutional knowledge." But hey, at least we'll still have the Gulf of What Fresh Hell Is This.