In Support of Alien,104-Year-Old, Transgender Mice

if you've understandably been under a rock, know that our great leader just hurled a long weird bilious speech to what's left of Congress. He vowed to forge "the freest (and) most dominant civilization ever to exist on the face of this earth” by lying about everything, making up amazing achievements and reviling Democrats, veterans, migrants, workers, Canada, Mexico, health care, safety nets, Stacey Abrams and a woke government that spent $8 million "making mice transgender." "This is real," he said. Uh huh.

During the Fuehrer's hallucinatory litany of boasts, shams and grievances - after modestly declaring he was "saved by God to make America great again" - the lies came fast and inane. He lied about migrants, "asylums," autism, Panama, tariffs, Jan. 6, military recruitment, dead 100-year-olds getting Social Security, the price of eggs, the "Green New Scam," "weaponized government," "illegal alien hotel rooms," the "billions" DOGE is illegally "saving" that's likely millions, along with its devastation. No more "waste fraud and abuse - the days of rule by unelected bureaucrats are over." Dems: "LOL." Biden "didn't just open our borders, he flew illegal aliens over them" until "beautiful" Aurora and Springfield "buckled under the weight of migrant occupation "LIKE NOBODYS EVER SEEN." But now he is ushering in "the great liberation of America." Behind him, two smarmy, smirking, Christo-fascist ghouls ate it up. Before him, a gilded room of lickspittles cheered, stood, shouted in grateful excitement. Natalie Portman in Revenge of the Sith: "So this is how liberty dies...with thunderous applause."

Still, little King Donnie had sads: Seeing mean Democrats before him, he realized there is "nothing I can say to make (them) smile or applaud these astronomical achievements." Instead, they sought an apt response to the horror. Many didn't attend; some wore pink in solidarity, held signs that read "False" and "Musk Steals"; New Mexico Rep. Melanie Stansbury stood holding a sign that read, “This Is Not Normal” until some GOP creep ripped it from her hands and tore it up. Several Dems turned their backs and/or walked out, backs of shirts reading, "No Kings Live Here." Asked what she'd say to Trump, Jasmine Crockett suggested, "Stop being Putin’s ho." Most visibly, Texas Rep. Al Green, who "understood the assignment," shook his furious cane and yelled "No Mandate" until he was forcibly removed - exquisitely just as Trump brayed he'd restored free speech, thank God almighty, free at last. The world, aghast, took note: A French Senator said, "Washington has become Nero’s court, with an incendiary emperor, submissive courtiers... We are at war with a dictator backed by a traitor."

Tariffs, one of his fave words, often came up in connection with the fictional "trillions and trillions" they'll bring in - from China, Brazil, India, the EU, everyone - "making America rich again and great again - it's happening." Also, of course, stocks are plunging, a "little disturbance" the six-time-bankrupted financial wizard is "ok with" as we the paycheck-to-paycheck people ride it out. "The stock market is crashing and prices are rising,' said Rep. Eric Swalwell for the win. "This guy has gone to the Super Bowl, the Daytona 500, and a UFC fight. He should go to the fucking supermarket and see what people are spending to feed themselves." Right behind tariffs in the MAGA popularity hierarchy came othering - migrants, DEI, transgender- with his sacred vow, "Our country will be ‘woke’ no longer." Whew. No more Mom For Liberty lawsuits (dismissed) charging her kid's school “secretly socially transitioned" her child. And the kicker - thank you Jesus! - no more $8 million in taxpayers' money spent by woke feds "making mice transgender and other gender-bending social experiments."

To be clear: We suspect that transgender mice are really, ultimately why Al Gore invented an unforgiving, unforgetting, occasionally insanely entertaining Internet. Why else would we need it? (Besides dog videos). So welcome, bienvenue to the giddy meme fest that exploded after Trump spewed out his delicious new fever dream about woke battalions of scientists creating teams of secret boy mice playing soccer against teams of unknowing girl mice and always winning which is so unfair, much like Jack Smith, so no wonder the American Empire is crumbling. But even after a day of extensive punditry and analysis and speculation, still nobody has any fucking clue what Mr. Dementia-Combined-With-Idiocy is talking about. Some think he's been hearing about (not reading) some of the frenzied, paranoid ramblings of right-wing media about scientists working overtime to create a Woke/Trans/ Brave New World. Or maybe he caught a phobic itch from Nancy Mace's bathroom trans hysteria, or a February hearing exploring the hysteria...sorry, concerns.

Some suggest he confused three NIH projects - total cost $477,121 -administering female homones to monkeys to study its effect on immune systems after research showed trans women are 50 times more likely to get HIV. Or similar experiments on mice by the University of Pennsylvania's Transgenic and Chimeric Mouse Facility to test effects of hormone therapy on breast cancer, fertility, asthma, bone health, reproduction and endocrine systems. Or mixing up transgender with transgenic, what you get when researchers inject foreign DNA into lab animals to see how their cells mutate,much like humans infected with cancer and other diseases. Or he's such a bigot every time he sees trans at the start of a word his first impulse is to demonize. Whatever: There are no sex-change operations on mice. "The very notion of a "transgender mouse" is completely ridiculous," notes Dr. Jeremy Faust. "Mice can't tell you their gender. They don't know their pronouns. They are mice." Bottom line: "We want to fund science, not cut it. Trump and his allies don’t seem to have any idea what science is or why it matters."

Meanwhile, the fallout and chaos goes on. Though Trump blathered about America's "warriors who shed their blood on fields of battle," DOGE wants to cut up to 80,000 employees from Veterans Affairs; one furious lawmaker/veteran: "I don't ever want to hear 'thank you for your service' from that draft-dodging coward again." He's already backtracking on his "very dumb trade war," with a proposed exemption for U.S. automakers and a bizarre pivot trying to make it into a drug war. He's facing at least 96 lawsuits - from farmers, Quakers, immigrants, Alaska USAID, FBI agents - and the DOJ is running out of lawyers to take them. He's already losing court cases - he's been ordered to reinstate 6,000 USDA workers, and even SCOTUS just ruled against him, saying he can't freeze USAID payments. The UK hates his "vile" VP, deeming him a clown, dunce, knob, and little man deserving of "a smack in the ear," andHamilton is the latest show to cancel at the Kennedy Center because "he took away our national arts center from all of us" and nobody wants to go to his fucking fascist party.

Or, evidently, hear him blather on for almost two hours. Polls showed viewership hit a record low, compared to both other presidents' SOTU speeches from the last two decades and even his own previous blatherings. The next day, somewhat defensively - we know Trump hates being laughed at more than almost anything, even trans or black people - the White House issued a press release angrily refuting "the Fake News losers at CNN" who dared to fact check any of his 7,628 lies, especially the infamous transgender mice one. "Yes, Biden Spent Millions On Transgender Animal Experiments," they shouted from their alternative-reality bubble, listing fragments of financial reports packed with medical terms they zoomed right past to conclude - big leap here - "President Trump was right (as usual)." Good try, but many were unconvinced. "White House Scared of Trans Mouse," ran a headline. "I support the 149-year-old transgender mice in their fight against Trump," declared one loyal netizen.From another, "I found the transgender mouse they spent $8 million on. And she's fabulous."