Their Lasting Legacy: Talk About A Shithole Country

Because things can always get weirder, the newest statue on the National Mall features a faux-bronze turd sitting on Nancy Pelosi's desk to "honor" what their führer calls the "unbelievable patriots" - especially the hero boasting "I pooped in Pelosi's desk" - who broke into the Capitol at Jan. 6th's "love fest" to loot, piss, spread shit and overturn an election. We thought Trump long ago broke satire, along with irony and every other nice thing, but we guess it survived.

Since the 1800s, the National Mall has served as "a civic stage" for peaceful expressions of our First Amendment rights, usually on behalf of justice, progress and human rights. In this case, a group called Civic Crafting actually got a National Park Service (NPS) permit for their tribute to the yahoos who smashed windows, trashed offices and smeared their extremist excrement in those "hallowed halls" in foul, brown footprints - to poop, though they wisely didn't call it that. "This desk represents the heart of democracy," they wrote in their permit application. "More than just a place for work, it is a testament to the ideals of transparency, accountability and representation...When rioters broke in to destroy these ideals, this desk (stood) firm. So too must the principles of equality, justice, and freedom that it represents." Next week, they'll probably try to sell the NPS a bridge.

Anyway, here it is. The bronze-ish turd sits on the desk, which stands on a concrete block, which has a plaque. "This memorial honors the brave men and women who broke into the United States Capitol on January 6, 2021 to loot, urinate and defecate," it reads in part. "President Trump celebrates these heroes of January 6th as 'unbelievable patriots' and 'warriors.' This monument stands as testament to their daring sacrifice and lasting legacy." Understandably, it singles out the daring of one Francis Connor, who days after the riot gleefully posted on Instagram, "I was in the Capitol. And I pooped in Pelosi's desk. Come lock me up. There’s nothing to live for if Trump isn’t in office." In April 2022, Connor pleaded guilty in federal court to disorderly conduct and illegally entering restricted grounds; inexplicably, he got off poop-free with just 12 months of probation.

Trump, of course, got off even easier. Thanks to a SCOTUS immunity ruling that to date has saved his ass, he's still lumbering around the country, jabbering about his loutish "patriots." "The moment we win, we will rapidly review the cases of every political prisoner unjustly victimized by the Harris regime," he redundantly vowed Thursday in Wisconsin, "and I will sign their pardons on day one." Turns out it's gonna be a busy day one: He'll also claim his dictatorial powers, fire Jack Smith - a "mean man" and "sick puppy" - within "two seconds," and will pardon himself. According to Tucker Carlson, he'll also get in some spanking. "Dad is pissed," he creepily, bafflingly told a Georgia crowd. "And when dad gets home, you know what he says? ‘You’ve been a bad girl and you’re getting a vigorous spanking." Harris campaign: "This is fucking weird."

Because in the real world Jan. 6 was a bloody, traumatic day that left five dead, a country reeling and scores of police injured, the DOJ has convicted over 1,000 people for their role in it, and they're still seeking information; a law also calls for a plain plaque honoring those officers, but somehow MAGA Mike hasn't gotten to it. For now, just the turd and desk mark the ignoble spot, with a plaque likely above the pay grade of cult members stubbornly claiming it was all Antifa and proudly posting "Felon/Hillbilly 2024" signs. A security guard says people passing by the memorial, up until Oct. 30, tend to stop, stare, laugh, and take pictures. A family from Wisconsin stopped after their sharp-eyed daughter, 9, swore it was poop on a desk. (It is.) Given the discordant times, her father didn't offer a name, just an opinion: "Whoever did this is a national hero."